I know I’m not right in the head so tell me again what’s your excuse?

Now I am the first to concede that my life is somewhat unconventional – to say the least. By day, I work through the flotsam and jetsam of a normal divorced mid-50’s guy’s life. I work at a demanding job, I have kids who need my attention, an ex who is a hypochondriac, heavy involvement in a macho beer swilling, testicle scratching, football club and an interest in available female company. By night, and particularly nights on the weekend, I doll up and hit the so-called nightspots of Adelaide in my shortest skirt and highest heels as the Fabulous Emma Thorne, Celebrity Transvestite. Emma has, for her sins, an ex-named Fang who is lost somewhere in the South American jungles (and from what we understand prefers to stay lost) and who is heir to the K-Tel Record Selector fortune. She has no kids but she has a demanding twin sister, Bubbles O’Tool. Despite their social differences the O’Tool sisters are always there for each other, just not in the same room. Ever.

I and The Guy have totally different tastes too. I love disco and bubbly….often at the same time. I love films like Love Actually and The Notebook. I have no interest whatsoever in footy-ing or any other such pursuits that he loves and I have absolutely no idea what a Cooper Cronk is although I’m sure there is an ointment for it.

Despite our differences, The Guy and I do think along parallel lines more than you would think. Although I am essentially a Trans-Lesbian (a transvestite attracted to other transvestites – Ed) I am not adverse to some male attention from time to time depending on the male. I do have profiles on gay/bi dating sites (scandalous!) and it is on these sites that The Guy and I constantly raise our eyebrows at each other and are “as one”. My profiles are VERY clear in that I am not looking for “single males” and particularly males who are playing behind their partner’s back. I am not looking for anyone under 40 years of age under any circumstances. I am not looking for someone with “hairy bits” (you would be amazed how many men, and even crossdressers, are hairier than Gentle Ben and think this is “ok”). I am not really looking for anyone with a foreskin (just a personal preference which I have bent, no pun intended, on many occasions depending on the person). I get hot-under-the-bra-strap for tall slinky transvestites who take care of themselves and go out in the real world. I also have expectations such as “MUST be able to spell” and “do not send me one line messages that end in ‘hehe’ otherwise I will punch you in the head”. I am neither vague, nor too demanding. I am not on these sites to find true love or anything other than a casual and fun friendship.

Despite this, and I’m sure this happens to many, I am bombarded with requests from 23 year olds/men who say they “cannot host so don’t ask me”/have body hair like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon/crossdressers who have either borrowed their nan’s knickers or are auditioning for a hillbilly revival of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers/or, and I kid you not, I have seen a profile like this: 23 year old very hairy “crossdressers” wearing Mumsie’s bloomers with a foreskin hanging down that Indiana Jones could use to swing across a crocodile infested river. This all attached to a message, which if I recall correctly, read something like “hayBabe wanna mak me yeoure sisy bitch”.

I also get sent A LOT of dick pics. I get sent so many I could cover the Sydney Opera House in them. Do guys really think that a photo of their plonker is going to be the great selling point of their advertisement? Out of every fifty I see I might see one that I think “Oh I wouldn’t mind a bit of that” but it is purely a fleeting thought.**NEWSFLASH** I have one of my own guys. I want to hear something about you and what you think and I am far more likely to scrutinise your physical characteristics such as height/weight/age than the length and breadth of your cock despite how much it impresses you. I often think, and I said this to my good friend Tracey just the other day, that guys who distribute dick pics would be much happier if they just sent them to themselves. The other thing I’m curious about though having said all that is how most guys measure their cock. I have never done it as I think well that’s it what is measuring going to achieve but I’m convinced (a) most guys think we want something the size of a Collins Class submarine (wrong again boys) and (b) that they must be running their tape measure from the back of their knees because a lot who say they are “large” more often than not prove to be “average” when the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Average is a good thing for a dick but a very bad for a personality or an intellect.

Thank God for The Sisterhood! I am lucky to know a lot of transvestites who know who and what they are and work hard to look like they do. They are experienced, fun loving, and out for a good time in the narrow windows their other lives sometimes allow. They don’t bullshit you around and generally are exactly what they say they are whatever that might be and they never send me dick pics as we all spend an extraordinary amount of time and effort hiding our cocks not showing them – well at least early in the evening. There are a number of them I go out with regularly and we have a laugh, a dance, a feed, and probably far more drinkies than we should. We get hit on by guys, girls, couples you-name-it. Sometimes we accept those invitations and sometimes other forms of hanky panky randomly happen but we just go with the flow. The one constant is that no one ever hassles us if we make it clear that we are not interested. If I knock back a guy who wants to buy me a drink (that’s a rarity I should point out – I will generally take the drink as I am not a complete lunatic) he will accept it graciously in most cases. If I do take the drink but then make it clear I’m not giving him a blow job in the back of his car they almost to a man accept that and move on – and often hang around for more of a chat and buy me additional drinkies which is wonderful. On the internet they will message you endlessly and harass you complaining with sincere astonishment that you could possibly knock back this offer of temporary romance based up the photo he took on the toilet seat of his disembodied, and often disappointing, cock. The “courage” of a Keyboard Warrior beggars belief sometimes.

Lads, if you want a tranny then do your research and if you want a real woman research even harder. Read what they say in their profiles and style things accordingly. If you don’t think you are going to measure up then move on to the next victim – perhaps the hairy CD in her Nan’s knickers might go for it but we won’t. And don’t, under any circumstances, ever send the object of your lust a dick pic. If we’re interested we’ll see it soon enough anyway.

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